I am struggling today. I am haunted by yesterday. I just don't care about anything today, and I have no energy. I don't know why I get so mad at the people I love, or why I blame them. I don't know why I can't be perfect at everything, and I don't know why things don't always go my way.

I just got back from spending time with Kristen. She's another mom in the apartment who has a son, Micah, 2 weeks younger than Emma. She also babysits a 5 mo. old, Jackson, during the week. We've been walking for a couple of weeks now. I wasn't able to last week because of Andy being in the hospital, and school and the beach took over this weekend, so it had been a while when I knocked on her door. I didn't even get ready or even put make up on like I usually do. I mean, who really cares?

I feel like a boring person when this wave comes over me. I just don't care about anything, I don't know how to explain it. I get angry at anyone who tries to make me do anything and I resent them for it. I feel bad for the way that I treated Andy yesterday and for not holding Emma all the time. I suppose it's just because she always wants me, never Andy. If I'm in the room, she cries until she gets me, and I never have a break. I want to do things, like sometimes I just want to shut everything out and play mindless games. Only when I'm in this mood, though, and I don't know why I do it. Other times I just want to clean or read a book or work on my garden. It's hard to describe.

Jesus, thank you for the gift of Kristen who wants to go with me to church and has told me about a calvary chapel in the area. Please give me strength today and help me see the value in the people around me. Thank you for what you have done for me, I love you.

Kristen