People are so Naive about Pregnancy

So, Andy and Nick's graduation was yesterday. We sat for 4 1/2 hours outside in the sweltering, humid Southern heat. Well, I didn't, all the way at least... Friday I was full term, and you wouldn't believe the response I got from people.

This one girl is sitting in front of me. Now, keep in mind, I have been dreading this day ever since Andy and I got married. Not because I'm not happy for him or don't want to support him, no, but that I have to go back and face old classmates and stuff as a pregnant Navy wife.

Some were happy to see me. It's very interesting to see who your real friends are from a situation like this. One, in particular, revealed himself to be sitting next to me while I was saving seats from some friends. He had been hidden prior to saying, "hello." Let's just say that this wasn't a person I necessarily wanted to see.

"Hey Reinders," he starts... Nevermind that I'm "Holan" now. To the Navy I guess I will always be Reinders.

We continue to make small talk about the program and congratulations and all that. I notice his family is quiet, perhaps listening in on our conversation, but I don't care. Why should that stop me?

So then he starts talking about the baby, and asks how far along I am. "Actually, I'm full-term today." The words don't even seem real to me.

His little sister? cousin? Is sitting at about 11 o'clock in the row in front of me. She turns around, looks me up and down and goes, "You? Full term?" She then proceeds to pick and mock me like a bird, saying things like, "You're not 9 months. More like 4 or 5."

Now, I realize this may sound like a complement in writing or the retelling of this story, but her demeanor and the way she was saying it showed that her intentions were not nice in the least. She couldn't be more than 15, but I wanted to tell her off so bad.

So, I don't say anything, and the rest of the family kind of shies away, pretends I'm not there any more. This was bad enough, but she continued to point and talk really loudly to her family members whenever she saw me. I heard he saying things like, "That girl thinks she's 9 months..." so on and so forth.

It just astounds me the lack of tact some people have.

You know, and this has been a really easy pregnancy. Really easy. I am so blessed. In the beginning, yeah it was a little hard as Andy and I were trying to figure out what we wanted to do, but God is faithful. We have come together through this and I see it as such a blessing. When I learned that Emma would be here within the next couple weeks I would have jumped for joy! (If I could...) Now, I feel ashamed to be pregnant.

People are so naive about pregnancy.

It's like going to Yokosos yesterday to celebrate the graduation. We went with our friend Tim's family, his parents, grandma, and 2 aunts, Nick came, as well as two other friends and their parents, Cory and Evan. It was fun. The food was delicious. They make it right in front of you like Benni Hanna's (sp?).

The conversation very politely steered away from the pregnancy for the majority of the night, which I appreciated. What is it about having a little pooch that everyone supposes this is all you're about? All of a sudden, nothing you lived for before is of any relevance to your being, you are just pregnant. You're just the pregnant wife.

I had people ask me things like, "Are you scared?" which, at the time was a viable question. No, I'm not scared, I said. I think that's why you're given 9 months - to mentally prepare. I am so ready for this. I was scared before I was pregnant, and I was scared in the beginning, but now I know what I have to do. I'm educated, it's not like I don't know what's going to happen.

People are so naive.

I feel like I physically grew so much in one day, I felt like an alien. Whereas before I felt like I was doing a really good job being pregnant. I mean, I'm 9 months and still keeping the house clean, still making dinner and doing dishes and just taking care of everybody. I don't complain. I'm still a person. I would go out with a few of Andy's friends and they knew I was cool because I didn't use it to my advantage, I still want to have fun. It's not like my life's over.

I don't know if I even want to go out again until I have this baby. People are expecting you to go into labor at any moment. If people ask me that I'm going to say, "Actually, yeah, I think I'm going into labor right now. Oh, you might want to move, I might get some on you!"

Freaking stupid people.

The Landlord from Will Ferrell

Emma Desires

SO, now that Emma is a mere 2 weeks away... I have finally come up with an idea for the baby room. Seeing that we won't have it until the 20th, I cannot WAIT to decorate.


I love the idea of a chandelier... Either in the center for lighting or over her crib as a makeshift mobile. I'm actually curious to see how it turns out... She might develop a fettish for "shiny things," lol. I don't like the idea of a bed in there. The designer of this room intends the bed for her daughter when she grows up, but seeing that a) Emma's crib turns into a bed, and b) we won't be here longer than 6 or 7 months, I could do without the bed. Also, it's a small space and we need room for the glider rocker :)

I am lovin' these shoes from ivoryandmoss:



Well, that's all for now. Hope you all are doing well!
Blessings,
Kristen H.

The Trunk of Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. Ok, so maybe it's only been a couple hours, but it's been through these times that I spend with God that he's revealed to me a giant tree trunk that I have/had in my eye. And that is the trunk of forgiveness.

I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy lately. The devil is constantly in my ear, in my mind, reminding me of every failure, every fear. He reminds me of all the jobs I've had that I've lost, all the "good friends" supposedly that I wasn't good enough for, and even, most recently, getting kicked out of the Navy.

Ok, so I didn't get "kicked out..." It just felt like it. When you get down to the nitty gritty it was my decision that got me out, otherwise I would probably be chipping paint on some destroyer down in the Philippines.

Back to what I was saying, though. This has been a time of awareness. It is a time of reflection. God has given me this time by myself to kind of take a sabbatical. I remember being at Biola and seeing a computer-printed sign on one particular Bible instructor's door that said "Sabbatical - Gone until next month" or something along those lines. I remember being soo jealous of him... Just wishing I could give up my tests and papers and stress for a month long retreat with my Lord.

It seems like we have to make time sometimes. A couple weeks ago I was struggling with the decision of whether or not to take a leave of absence to have Emma Sophia. Andy wanted me to, I mean he comps today (yay!) Comp is a comprehensive review of the last 6 months of learning... It's high stress. Nevermind the three finals they had last week... If you fail this, you fail the whole thing. On the other hand, though, if you pass and graduate, you get the first little chunk of your bonus, which, for Andy will be $4,000. (Praise the LORD?!)

Haha, ok. So, back to what I was saying... I really feel like I need to forgive the people who have hurt me in my life. God revealed to me the story of Joseph and I really felt like this was the message He had for me. That even though things look dark and dreary, even though you've been not only abandoned but betrayed by those who were supposed to love you, that does not give you the right to give up. God has wonderful beautiful promises for me. I still remember the vision He gave me. I am standing backstage on a very large stage with red, velvet curtains. I am on the side, and I peek through to see a giant crowd clapping and just addimate with praise. And I walk out on the stage. Whenever I think about what I want to do with my life, I always come back to this picture. It is a vision. It is a promise.

Anyway, through my reading of the Joseph story (it's in Gen. 20, if you're wondering) I noticed a phrase kept coming up, and that was that "the LORD was with Joseph." Now, this might be the main difference between Joseph and I that I can find. Notice, as soon as he was sold to Potiphar - his first stop on the trail! - he becomes successful. He almost has this Midas touch, everything he touches prospers.

Hmmm, I think. So, I have had times where life is amazing. That time when I modeled, yeah. That was amazing. We even had a show at the Wang Theatre in Boston, MA that resembled much the theatre in my vision.

It was easy to join the Navy... Again, it was a group who saw potential in me and wanted to pay to fly me somewhere and give me a job, and they were going to give me a $20,000 bonus! nevermind that I never really liked math or science... (Or, the application of it) They were willing to pay me the big bucks!

It's so funny to hear people talk like that now. You should have seen my class in indoc (the indoctrination period when you get to base before they allow you in the building to begin study).

Straight out of boot camp, we thought we were set. "I'm going to buy a (fill-in-the-blank-with-nice-car-here)... I'm going to buy a house... Basically, I'm going to be a pimp."

yeah, or so we thought.

The truth is, you should never count your eggs before they hatch. Although this is not in the Bible and does not have universal application, it should help out with those who are greedy for gain. :)

Forgiveness... blah. I keep going off subject. The truth is, I'm not very good at forgiveness. Unless Christ brings it to the forefront of my consciousness, I forget about it and don't really give it much heed. Ok, so there's one (bows head in prayer and asks to forgive said person). Aaaah, feels so much better.

The fact is, Christ says that if you cannot forgive your brother, how can He forgive you? He even says that He won't... for blocking the flow of the Spirit of God through unforgiveness simply doesn't get you soaked in the blood! It's like a river, and it's coming for you, but if you make a dam through your own issues... Sorry!

Anyway, I know that we've been hurt and that we want to feel validated. It's hard sometimes to know that people are against you or that they're judging you. This often taints our whole perspective about a person or place. It often taints our whole day. We must lay these things aside and asks what really matters, the opinion of this person? Or true intimacy and peace with God.

Also... everybody is going to Hell and what are you going to do about it? Next :)

Living a Life of Excellence

Thank the Lord for Pastor Jack Hayford. Nothing says "home" to me like listening to one of his teachings. I remember as a little girl meeting him for the first time. I had accompanied my father to a prayer meeting before the Wednesday night service, and they were walking through the aisles of chairs, praying over each one. Pastor Jack was there also, praying with the rest. I remember being bored and unsure of myself as I meandered through the chairs, sometimes stopping to sit down and watch, not knowing whether I was allowed to be involved or not.

Pastor Jack came up to my sister and I and introduced himself. He asked our names, which we gave. I wish I wouldn't have been so shy, I wish I would have made more of an impact, but on looking back, I know that there is no impact besides that of the Holy Spirit which could have moved this man. My desire to leave an impression on him showed both my immaturity and misplaced desire. The truth is, there is nothing about ourselves that is in itself worthy, but only that through which Jesus has washed in His blood to redeem.

I'm going to be honest, I have missed church terribly. As much as I might have complained when I was at TCOTW (mostly about the youth group... as silly as it is now. It seems that squabbles that happen in the church like this are more a quest for power than anything, to have one's ideas heard and the goings on of the church to form to their opinion. There is no true glorifying of Christ in this aspect. Only when we step back and allow God to do what He is going to do, what He wishes and desires so fully to do if we would only step out of the way.)

Sorry if I'm preaching to the choir here. To be honest, I only know of one faithful reader. But, for the sake of reflection I write. It is so easy to fill our heads with instruction and teaching, but to never really have it soak in. And so that is the reason I am writing this, to put back into my own words the teachings of Jack Hayford which Jesus Christ has so lovingly inspired to bring into my life.

I miss church. I wish that my husband missed it as much as I did, but for some reason he does not love it. He must not get the full infilling of the Spirit like I do. To me it seems more of a ritual, more something he does to assuage his conscience. I have learned through my relationship with him that he has a guilty conscience due to things he has done in his past, no greater or less than any of the things we have done in our own lives.

I love him so much, yet I am fearful. I am afraid of starting a family that is not grounded in the word of God. I am afraid of not having a solid Christian family, a church to which we can attend. I am afraid that my children will not have the foundation of Scripture and a loving relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ of which I have based my life upon.

It is easy to see the signs. It is easy to keep your mouth shut. I do not like talking with him about this. Perhaps it is just the Navy that is keeping him so busy, he does not want to get up early on his coveted days of sleeping in. I understand this. I was in the service, yet it was important to me to maintain my walk with the Lord. I would get up and go to the Bible studies on base. Nay, I even looked forward to them! But for some reason, there really is no gleaning for him in this. It is not a priority.

I apologize if I am out of line in any way as I write this, but this is what is on my heart, and this is what I must write about.

Excellence. We are called to excellence in that, now that we are saved, Christ is continually perfecting us, as in pulling the dross from the silver. As we subject ourselves to Him daily He lovingly works with us until we are made a complete replica of Himself. Yes, we were already made in His image, but it is this refining process that is necessary in the dawn of a fallen world to reunite us with His original intention for our lives.

I want to live an excellent life. It pains me when I see us as a couple make decisions that are not excellent. You might call it "Nazi" or wonder what it really matters. It matters to me because it is outside of the goals we have set for our lives. Perhaps Andy and I need to step back and to make some real goals for our lives together. Perhaps the disconnect is that I have made goals and, out of shyness or whatever, have failed to communicate them to him. This way, when he goes out and spends money, to him, it is ok. All the bills have been paid, therefore there are no more goals. But to me, it is different. Are we saving for Emma's college? Are we paying off our school loans? These are things that I would rather not put off. Jesus teaches that he who is faithful in little (our monetary finances) will be faithful in much (eternal riches). I want these eternal riches for myself and my family. I want the gift of stability, of not living paycheck to paycheck. I want the gift of an enriched life, built off of having all of our carnal needs met first so that we can enjoy the benefits and richness of this life.

Jesus is teaching me something as well. He says to be not anxious for anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God. I have to admit, God, that I have been guilty of this one lately. What good is it to worry? I will not add one hair to my head. I will only waste time. Instead, I can use this perceived "downfall" to spend time with You, to align my sight with Yours and see how this supposed "downfall" is truly in line with Your plan. How it truly is a "blessing in disguise." How many times do we blame those around us, do we become angry and allow that anger to taint the relationships with those closest to us? No, child, instead, spend time with Me, the Lord says, and I will make you whole.

I'm going to bring things to my Heavenly Father from now on. As much as I love Andy and want to support Him and bring honor to Him as his wife, I realize that he is only human. We are made up of our experiences, and the simple fact is that he might not have as much experience in this area as I have. That's ok! That's why God put us together.

It is now my job to lovingly and honorably present to Him God's way of doing things, how to handle money, etc. At the same time we can reunite our relationship by setting goals that both of us agree on, and working towards them together. We can also work on pursuing a life of excellence together, and so in this way keep each other accountable yet also grow in the love and awe of the other in watching them grow. We really are amazing beings, and it is a blessing to watch and be amazed at the being God put in my life, Mr. Andrew Holan. I love you so much, baby.

Sincerely,

Kristen Holan

Andy

Andy thinks I'm amazing. :)

Current ratio

Andy and I need to improve our current ratio. A current ratio is your total amount of assets divided by your total liabilities. If you have a 1, then, obviously you're breaking even. If your number is less than one, as most of the families in America can attest, you need to work on improving your assets or eliminating liabilities.
Liabilities are things like debt or rent. Liabilities are bills. Liabilities are things which take money and are then dead.
Assets on the other hand, are investments. They can be things like real estate, stocks and bonds, CDs and IRAs, even savings accounts. What is the difference between these assets? The amount of return as well as the liquidity of the investment. Liquidity is how fast you can change that investment into cash in your wallet.
For example, let's say I decide to invest in a fixer-upper house. I have a lot of fun breaking down walls and painting, installing new lighting fixtures and new appliances. Then I sell it for a hefty profit, right? Or at least that was the plan. The problem is, things don't always "go according to plan," and a project that was intended to take six months can often turn into two years. Also, depending on the market (which, I wouldn't recommend selling in this market right now) it might not be the best time to sell, or there simply might not be anyone interested. All these factors make the investment in your house hard to stick in your wallet.
I would recommend, though, if you want to get in on the real estate game, to buy right now. This is something I am bemoaning as Andy and I are just starting out and really have no capital with which to make such an investment. What a pity. The rock-bottom prices of houses right now almost insure the smart investor will make a profit if they take advantage of it. And how fun is turning over a house?

I have decided that I'm going to start taking the classes at the Home Depot. They're free, and knowledge is invaluable. Besides the basic fixer-upper projects around the house to keep myself busy, I could also turn this into a lucrative career, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. For now, I am doing this because it is a passion and because I love doing it. I love decorating, and I love giving things a "new face." It is a pursuit of beauty, and, while the products of which can attain great profitability, only the pure pursuit of such beauty can be praised.

Anyway, I'm done talking. If you're interested in investing, you should check out http://www.winninginvestor.quickanddirtytips.com for more information. Quick and Dirty Tips have all kinds of podcasts, from the House-Call Doctor to the Nutrition Diva, which fill your iTunes with plenty of useful information (or nonsense, depending on how many you subscribe to... I've subscribed to quite a few, and, let me warn you: Tread carefully! My que is entirely full and I don't know when I'll have the time to listen to them) But, unlike many of you, I don't have an iPod, so perhaps you will find time. Driving in the car is a complete time waster and would be much remedied by a nice podcast. :)

Ok! I'm done talking! Go listen to your podcasts... and comment on this post!

On Sale, Yet Out of Reach

Rant here. When will I get my boots?

The inevitable question lingers like a dust bunny in the corner of my mind. To have boots, or not to have boots... Do I really need boots? You are about to have a child. You have debt enough and your husband has no respect for fashion. What's a girl to do? Get a job?

Yes... Get a job. Nevermind every job she has ever held has been a nightmare. Besides desperately wanting to go out and make her own money she finds herself in a conundrum - the fine line between being a good mother and getting what you want. It is very saintly to keep everyone else happy, but a fish can only be out of water so long. There is the need to breathe, there is the need to be dans mon mode.

Is this selfish? Possibly. But it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, ladies. I will not sit by and wait while my dreams are getting the best of me. Does this make me a bad mother? No. I will be a good mother with all the sympathy and love to give. Does this mean I sit in the corner and lay my body down across a puddle so that my children will not get wet? No, I just bought this jacket, thank you.

There is a fine line, here, and I will not accept any altering opinions. That is rule number 1 with me. I think what I choose to think. It is based off of a series of well-thought-out experiential progressions of which you or anyone else have no part of. Does this make me distant? Sometimes. Does this make me absolute? Absolutely.

I have forgotten what I was talking about, except for the fact that I want boots. When I was in the program, it was a goal of mine to finally get a beautiful pair of just below the knee leather boots. After all, I owed it to myself. Among my list of other things to buy - an iMac computer. Alas, I never was able to get my hands on these elusive objects, and they continue to taunt me daily. Like dust bunnies in the back of my mind, there are so many goals... When shall I achieve them?

And you can't rely on somebody else... Yes, they love you, but we are only human. We each have our own ways of solving problems. We need a surface in the living room. So, I propose a leather ottoman for the storage and you decide on a coffee table. Who is right? Both are, yet no one is. The fact is there are many ways of doing the same thing, but your particular brand of doing them is style.

I wish I could explain this to a man. I wish I could get inside his head and show him that this is what seeps out of a woman's soul. To take this away from her is to take away the very thing which makes her special. Yes, I will wear your matching team's jersey and I will let your friends come over. I will watch as you play football and clean up after it's all said and done. I can do this because I am a woman. I can do this because I am nice. But this is not all that I will do.

And whenever I want to go anywhere, be it a play or a nice walk outside for a change, I am always met with opposition. The inevitable list of pains has confined us to a life much like a retirement home, and I am all but done living. The lack of sidewalks and the crime around here make even the simplest things - a walk outside, for instance, impossible. Do you know what it's like being confined to an easy chair when your legs are itching you to walk outside? The need for Vitamin D, so I take a pill instead. And we are still paying off the chair and it is on my credit card...

Ahh, but enough complaining. At least I got a few things off my chest. Whether or not proclaiming my problems to the world was wise, I cannot attest. One thing I do know, though, is that every human being reading this has much the same problems, and, if they could not relate, why would they have read thus far? So fuck you, basically, but love you at the same time if you understand, and if you don't care, well, then, I probably wouldn't either. But here's to humanity and to being caught in the great sno-globe of which Someone has shaken.

I Want The Sweeties!

Long live motherhood.