Breaking Bridges

They say that the best friendships are the ones you keep from childhood.  The ones who knew you in school.  The ones who knew you as you truly are, if you will.  Yet I have burned most of these bridges.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  There are some people that I never really wanted anyway, and there are some people who didn't want me.  Either way, those relationships weren't healthy.  Yet there is one in particular that sticks out in my mind, one who I could never quite shake if not for one thing, and it was this thing that I used as a weapon, I used as the final straw to get rid of it.  I was relieved, for I do not like things that get out of control, and yet, there has to be something to someone who you cannot quite shake.  The modern female has a hyper-sensitivity to stalking, yet perhaps we have mistaken them for our greatest friends?  The ones we cannot shake who have our greatest interests at heart (yet, how could they, if you never really wanted them there at all?).

Inspiration

To know that you made a difference for good.  And what is good?  But that you made someone else feel something noble and pleasant, you filled their bodies with emotion and brought them to the farthest end of the spectrum of what it is to know and to feel.  To know what it is to be human.  To be filled with breath, to feel the blood, your life, coursing through your veins.  To not feel the gravity of time for a few moments.  If you can achieve this in your life, than your life has meant something.  You needn't be worried that it was all for naught, though many things are.  You will always have that 1%, at least, of your life that meant something.  To inspire another to act.  To give them the vision of everything they can be and a path to achieving that goal.  These are the noble and true acts of a society and as long as these acts are encouraged we will be not become slaves.  Charles Dickens once said, "Don't let your schooling get in the way of your education."  Why does it seem that everything the government touches becomes convoluted and a waste of time?  Good institutions lose their vision, they lose their sight.  They become a black hole money pit to which progress is strictly defined by meaningless numbers.  This was not meant to be a rant on government but I truly believe that government is the largest threat to our nation's safety and freedom today.  Every human deserves that 1% of their lives to be filled with inspiration.  They deserve the freedom to follow that dream to fruition and they deserve to not be asked questions which will squash that vision along the way.  In short, we need an empty horizon full of possibility.  Have we been born too late?

Giving Up Our Mythic Guilt

While doing some reading for my mythology class, I came across this passage:

"Adolescence fails to fulfill its role without myths. The myth of the omnipotent group, of the perfect parent, of the special new sub-culture, the ideal society without injustice and oppression, utopia, and of absolute love, all constitute examples. They serve emotional needs and are structures of a mythical middle ground, where the adolescent elaborates his identity and relationship to the mythical creations of his phantasies, in order to move on to a more realistic view of the self and objects. Adolescence initiations were based on a mythologized ritual of trials that allowed the adolescent to make the transition into the adult world. It was a process that set clear boundaries and goals in order to embrace an adult role, as well as limits that were commonly accepted by the individual and the community." 

-D. Anastasopoulos et al.

I love this quote so much.  It was enlightening and gave me an "aha" moment.  We think that we are being true to ourselves as we cling to our adolescent past.  The myth of perfect love.  The myth of a special new sub-culture where everyone thinks just like you and we live in perfect harmony - the myth of a utopia.  These are all myths, yet are something that we as adolescents need to form ourselves and our beliefs into becoming mature members of society.

This quote is freeing, in a way.  I admit that there are times (far too often, in fact) where I feel a certain guilt to myself for not living up to the idealized vision I had of myself in my teens.  The fact is, that girl is a myth.  There is an idea out in the world, "Live your best possible life."  Yes, this would be wonderful, but it is a myth.  Stop trying to live up to this ridiculous image of yourself.  Save the debt.  Save the stress.  Just do what you can do right now and strive to be the best person you can.  Learn to say no.  Learn to tell the signs of tiredness and when you have taken on too much.  Learn to pamper yourself.  Learn to love yourself so that you can properly love those around you.  We all have idealized images of ourselves... but I just realized that growing up is letting go of that and embracing the person you are.

My Babies

Here are some pictures I've taken lately.  It's so cute to see Emma and Elizabeth getting along.  Lizzie is soo cute... she makes this high pitched squeeling sounds when she's particularly entertained.  She loves "jumping" in my arms, but she'll start to panic and get afraid if you do it at the wrong time.  She says, "Daddy," in the middle of goos and gaas.  We're all getting over being sick.  Emma is on antibiotics, we think she had whooping cough.  It was quite the scary ordeal when she was running a 102.2 and kept spitting back liquid ibuprofen in our faces.  Andy finally got the genius idea to cut open gummy bears and stuff them with the chewable kind, viola!  It worked!  Raising kids is just like everything else, you get better at it as you go along.
Emma loves going to the park lately.  She is also my little helper, she loves helping me take out the trash and bringing in groceries.  She brushes her own teeth and we have started potty training.  She has used her potty twice now, but training was stalled when she got sick.  Hopefully we'll be able to start that up again when she starts feeling a little better.
Andy and I went to see Wicked yesterday at the Chrysler Hall in Norfolk.  It was decent, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I love going to see plays and miss my days of theater.  Whoever played Elphaba did a fabulous job, especially since she was the understudy.  I love seeing that happen, people getting their chance to shine.  I hope to hear more of her in future productions.

Anyway, we are two weeks away from NOT hearing that Andy is fit for full duty, which will mean that he is getting medically discharged (yay!) and we can move on with our lives.  We daily look at each other and say, "I can't wait to get to California."  Living here is like being in limbo.  In better news, I start school in a couple days!  I am so looking forward to it and am going to try to get as many classes out of the way before the move, then I will analyze if I can do it during.  It's only 1 5-week class at a time, but we will be divided into study groups (ugh) that will require communication to get projects done.  I usually like to lead these to make sure everything gets done but am not sure I will be able to while moving across the country (hah).  Anyway, time will tell, one step at a time...

I can't believe that Lizzie is 8 months old already!!  She has two bottom teeth and is absolutely the sweetest baby in the world.  Hopefully I will have more pictures and updates for everyone!  God bless!

"Pursuit", by Stephen Dobyns

Each thing I do I rush through so I can do
something else. In such a way do the days pass -
a blend of stock car racing and the never
ending building of a gothic cathedral.
Through the windows of my speeding car, I see
all that I love falling away: books unread,
jokes untold, landscapes unvisited. And why?
What treasure do I expect in my future?
Rather it is the confusion of childhood
loping behind me, the chaos in the mind,
the failure chipping away at each success.
Glancing over my shoulder I see its shape
and so move forward, as someone in the woods
at night might hear the sound of approaching feet
and stop to listen, then, instead of silence
he hears some creature trying to be silent.
What else can he do but run? Rushing blindly
down the path, stumbling, struck in the face by sticks;
the other ever closer, yet not really
hurrying or out of breath, teasing its kill.

Ecclesiastes 2:10-11
"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
   I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
   and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
   and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
   nothing was gained under the sun.

I am not meaning to be a downer here, but personally these passages give me hope.  Hope you say?  How could such downer passages ever give you hope?  Well, I suppose I am plagued with this point of view.  Perhaps I am afraid that if I choose a career field, I will be stuck.  I will never be able to change, and what if it's the wrong one?  Yes, I suppose I can always change, but this would put me at a tremendous disadvantage to the people who have chosen that career field from day 1, and I simply desire to be the best.  So it is then this fear of failure that keeps me from continuation.  But, I am still contacting University of Phoenix today to get my bachelor's, am I not?  I have chosen the career of teaching, because I think I will be good at it and enjoy it.  Plus it is something that has the possibility of helping my family in the future.
We watched Meet the Robinsons last night.  That is a really great movie with a wonderful moral.  "Keep moving forward," the small quote from Disney was the theme of the film.  But what is moving forward with no end?  One must first have a goal and then move forward, although sometimes life leaves you no more light than is enough to see the single step in front of you.  We must always move forward, we must always try.

I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite books, The Great Gatsby:

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year receeds before us.  It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther ... And one fine morning-
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

"Bringing up Bebe"

I apologize that I haven't updated this blog as much as I would like.  I guess our life just hasn't been glamorous enough to share.  There are the moments, but those moments continue to become more and more elusive to my camera.  Probably because I'm usually holding someone when they happen, and by the time I get my camera out of the case, turn the flash on, etc. the moment is gone.
Anyway, I want to tell you about a wonderful new book I have been reading.  It is called Bringing Up Bebe and it is written by Pamela Druckerman.  This book has all but convinced me that my true soul's longing is to be in Paris (as cliche as that sounds).  It is about an American who married a Brit then settled and had children in France.  The main point of the book is her unraveling the differences between American and French parenting.  "Why is it ... that in the hundreds of hours I've clocked at French playgrounds, I've never seen a child (except my own) throw a temper tantrum?  Why don't my French friends ever need to rush off the phone because their kids are demanding something?  Why haven't their living rooms been taken over by teepees and toy kitchens, the way ours has?"
I cannot begin to tell you the answer as I have not gotten to that part of the book yet.  She is still pregnant or "waiting for child" as the French put it.  I simply love the different approaches to motherhood and pregnancy between the two cultures.  I never had a craving through both my pregnancies, and am wondering if that whole theory is just an excuse to engorge oneself while pregnant.  Not to sound rude, but the whole American approach to eating and pregnancy is all wrong!  I must say that with Emma, I exercised often and ate no more than I usually would.  I read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" (American's pregnancy BIBLE...), and took my supplements, etc. but I really didn't worry.  I realized that what was happening inside of me was totally natural and had happened for centuries before, so there really was nothing to worry about.  After all, even if something was wrong, what could worrying do?  I tried above all to stay calm for myself and the baby through my first pregnancy and I believe that that is the right way to do it.
With Elizabeth, it was a little harder to stay in control since I already had a very young toddler to take care of.  My needs came second.  I became much bigger, held the baby for 4 weeks longer, and had to be induced.  The induction was not at all bad, though, and was even easier than going into natural labor.  I hadhyothyroidism as a result of my second pregnancy and am still trying to get back to be at my pre-pregnancy state, something that was all too easy the first time around.  I have to say that I did not eat as healthy the second-time around (usually because I would eat whatever was the most convenient - usually pizza from my brother-in-law), something I would not have thought about doing my first pregnancy.  I also was not able to exercise as much or as hard.  My first pregnancy, I would regularly go to the gym and use the cross-trainer.  The second pregnancy I had to resort to walks with the husband and stroller.  All this to say - pregnancy is not an excuse to gorge yourself on everything that is denied regularly.  Mereille Guiliano in her book French Women Don't Get Fat explains, "Pretending such pleasures don't exist, or trying to eliminate them from your diet for an extended time, will probably lead to weight gain."
I hope I am not insulting anyone as I write this as that is not my intention.  It is just wildly refreshing to see unformed concepts in your own head put on paper and realized by others.  It is nice to be understood and to know that you have done the right thing, and it is also good to educate others so they may have the same experience.

KH

Lizzie's 6 month check-up

This is a picture of Lizzie and me at the doctor's office.  You can see the bottom of Emma's dress in the lower left-hand corner.  She was 16 lbs. 6 oz., just 10 lbs. less than Emma!!!  She's healthy as can be.